I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
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