Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
