I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
