the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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