My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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