so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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