Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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