I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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