You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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