I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
