You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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