Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
