dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
