The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
