i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
