Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
