New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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