His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
