If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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