she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I have fence marks all over my body
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
