He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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