What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
