So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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