why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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