Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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