I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
she woke up with a sticky ear
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
