(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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