If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
