finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
