Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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