Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
