There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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