1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
