Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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