Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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