Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Dick very happy bro
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
