he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
