oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
