Your dad touched me again.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
