Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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