I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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