apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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