i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
