My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
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you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
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It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
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