You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
