Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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