yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
