We're like a lot better than the average bears
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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