my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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