Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
