I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
