If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
