Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
im six kinds of drunk right now
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
