Already got asked if we're dating
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
