So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
