Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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