hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
